Dealing with loss 1 year later

One year ago I lost the most influential, kind, loving, and selfless woman in my life.

My mom was an inspiration to me. I have so many amazing and positive memories with her but living without her is something I never thought I’d have to do so young. I look at these photos and videos and think about how incredible she was. She was Strong willed, open, extroverted beyond belief, opinionated, and always eager to help.

She was so supportive of me and my sister and I loved seeing how she loved my dad. I miss her every day. It’s just not the same without her. Last year on this day when I found out my mom was gone I felt a piece of me die with her. I can't describe it. I crumbled and my whole family felt the weight of the unimaginable and indescribable pain of losing her.

I have struggled so much the last year. I have triumphed many days too. The world was so grey when I lost her. I can remember the drive on the way to the burial and I felt numb. The trees were dull the sky was limited and there was no more pop. I don’t think I could hear anything either. It felt eerie and depressing. I wanted nothing more than to be with her again.

Contending with the loss of my mom, knowing I’ll never see her again, comes in waves. I can carry the amazing lessons, memories, and moments forever but nothing beats her presence. We used to talk every single day sometimes multiple times a day. We would call each other over random things or send lil texts throughout the day.

She amazed me with how many people she kept up with and cared for all while working her butt off. I can still hear her laugh and her voice and feel how her hand felt in mine which brings me great comfort and sadness. Remembering her on this day is bittersweet because it was heartbreaking and traumatic.

​I am blessed with the best dad and the best sister though and never take that for granted. She gave me so much and I’ll always remember her for her electric spirit and warmth. I see her in dreams sometimes or the hummingbirds and the sky has opened up each day since her passing and I’ve become more like myself with time. But it’s hard when your entire world changes and you grieve everything that was

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