Embrace your Darkness

I made a post just the other morning about how amazing and overwhelming the love I have for life has become and how there was once a time where that was rarely ever the case.

But, I want to let you know, a few hours later, mid day, a wave of depression came over me.

It's not something I can choose or control.

It just happens.

Not as often as it used to, but it does happen.

In the past it would lead me into a downward spiral.

Now? I recognize my patterns so I can easily disrupt them.

I used to try to do this by hiding from them or ignoring them or pretending like they weren't there.

I also would go into destructive decision making and thought processes that would leave me feeling totally empty.

I wasn't kind to myself in the past when these feelings would come up I would try so hard to fight them or question them or destroy them which only led to more feelings of hopelessness.

Then?

I immersed into the human function of feeling.

I have learned that feeling=healing.

I felt.

It wasn't necessarily easy.

I became a bit irritable and I was harsh on myself and not pleasant to be around.

I recognized this.

I went and laid down while the emotions and depressing thoughts moved through me until I fell asleep and felt my body's every vibration (seriously).

Then when I woke up, it wasn't gone. It still carried with me.

I went to work and I cried a bit. I apologized to the people I was irritable to and I breathed and felt a bit better.

I began smiling at everyone I saw and talking to people around me.

I began feeling better as I went on and I allowed myself to just be within these emotions.

I felt funny after making a post about this being so unusual for me now and then having experienced it hours later.

I laughed with the ways of the universe and remembered that last night I released a LOT of old ways of mine.

Naturally, I was going through a process of clearing.

I began to put meaning and love to the emotions I had.

I became kind to myself and allowed myself to just do what I wanted to do which was veg and chill out and just allow inspiration to flow to me.

And it did, naturally.

I remember, as I write this, that last night I released the need to always make things happen and began to embrace the energy of allowing things to happen as my new normal.

And so it was.

I share this because, my life is amazing, I always feel SO inspired by life and I am so incredibly grateful for everything I do, others do, and the people I am blessed to work with everyday.

But that doesn't mean I don't still have my 'stuff'

I actually love my dark stuff.

Years ago in therapy I was asked the question, how would you feel if we just got rid of it, all the darkness and depression and anxiety, gone?

And I surprised myself when the words fell out of my mouth as though spoken by someone else but entirely within and outside myself all at once I said, "I wouldn't be me without my dark sides. They make my light sides brighter. I love them. Thy have helped me to love life even more"

That was when I accepted my darkness.

I am happy to share this with you today to let you know that without your darkness, you wouldn't have your light. Light needs darkness to shine.

Love on yourself, all of yourself, every day


Here was the post I had made which I referenced at the beginning of this blog:

"Every morning I have a ritual and I always find myself feeling overwhelmed with an energy of love, gratitude, fulfillment, and pride when I write:
"I am so happy and grateful to be alive and well. I am so happy and grateful for my life."
There was a time when I didn't feel this way. Actually, multiple times; I felt depressed, suicidal, and anxious.
It had virtually nothing to do with my actual physical life and the world in which I lived in.
But It had virtually everything to do with the world I created in my own soul and mind.
Now my inner atmosphere has created a physical dream world and I'm in love with every moment.
The trust, love, and knowing that everything is always working out exactly as it should be keeps me in the present moment.
I never knew what it was truly like to be fully present until now and I know it can go even deeper than this.
Who knew that the love I had for life would come from just living it?"
✨

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