My life lost all color.
Everything around me was dull and nothing that meant anything to me mattered the same way. People stopped telling me what they always told me & tell me now…that my smile is contagious or I’m sunshine when i walk in a room or I’m always so positive and upbeat or brightening up their day.
I missed these compliments and felt maybe this part of me died with my mom. Maybe I’d never be that girl again. Im glad I was wrong. I don’t know exactly what started to bring vibrancy back into my life but as it returned I felt more like myself again.
I was different. I functioned with a familiar darkness that seemed to have made me more fragile but also more empathetic, reflective, understanding… I don’t believe it was “time” or “space” that brought the light back even though people are quick to say that everything gets better with those two things.
I actually think it was learning to live with and accept what changed in my life and find a path forward with this new normal rather than being stuck wishing for the old life or old me. How unfair to expect I’d ever be the same after such a traumatic life change and experience. When I gave myself grace and compassion and allowed myself to feel I found that more of my light was coming through too.
It felt a lot like clouds passing over the sun, sometimes I was allowed and able to illuminate everything around me & other times it was like something was in my way. I realized that none of this meant my light was gone forever though, it more so meant that sometimes I would have days where I could shine really bright & days I felt more dim or only kept the light to myself.
It’s difficult to really capture in words how it feels to be more myself again because with my grief experience one day I can feel like I turned a new leaf & the next day or week or month I might feel like the littlest leaf that falls on me weighs as much as the entire world & no matter how hard I try to push through it, I have to acknowledge that it is necessary & ok to sit with it all before trying to push. I celebrate the light in my life, my soul…& express the gratitude I feel to see colors again