I WAS THE LEANEST I HAD EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE BUT COULDN’T STAND TO WEAR A CROP TOP IN PUBLIC.
I have a confession to make...and as hard as it is to make it I know this will help other women who might struggle with their body image the way I had.
Up until this year my goal was to be able to walk around in a sports bra or a crop top and feel comfortable in my own skin, not feeling like i have to suck in or wrap my arms around myself to hide my tummy.
I remember being the leanest I ever was about a year after starting my fitness journey and still not feeling ‘good enough’ to show my stomach. Unless it had lines it ‘was not okay’ because it didn’t meet a standard I set in my own mind for myself.
I would say things like;
“I’ll only do it if I have lines on my tummy”
“my waist has to look super tiny”
“only if I don’t have to sit during my workout so no rolls show”
“if I have high waisted leggings so only my leanest part of tummy shows”.
“If its first thing in the morning on an empty stomach”.
It wasn’t until THIS YEAR, leading up to my most recent competition that I actually felt ‘good enough’ (to my own standards) to wear a crop top in the gym.
I remember I would see girls wearing crop tops and I’d always be like
“Wow she looks amazing”
“Ah I can’t wait till I’m fit enough to do that”
And yet, I was leaner or more muscular than them but not to ‘my own standard’.
I admired them for wearing crop tops and frikkin killin it.
Then I thought about my clients, I thought about what I tell them when they express their low self esteem or body image or feelings of unworthiness and I realized I needed to become my own client for a moment.
I had done a LOT of inner work throughout my journey and it hit me that I still wasn’t comfortable in my skin enough to just go to the gym wearing what I WANTED to.
So, I had to do some healing. I had to ask myself what I needed to really step it up and embrace my body.
I had to acknowledge my hard work.
I had to set new expectations for myself that were rooted in love for my commitment rather than for the shape of my body.
I had to see within myself what I saw in other women.
I had to become the version of me who rocks the crop top.
Meanwhile, I could post pics online in my sports bra and shorts or a bikini, so what was going on?
I honestly thought I wouldn’t live up to OTHERS expectations of me; as a trainer, as a coach, as an athlete, as a gym rat, as a body builder.
I “had” to be a certain way.
But I was missing it the whole time.
I already WAS.
I was the leanest, most fit and healthy I had ever been.
I was working the HARDEST I had ever worked in my life.
I was sweating like a frikkin pig and was burning hot dying in my t shirt wanting to take the damn thing off.
And it hit me.
I had to ask myself these 2 questions...
WHAT DOES MY BODY WANT?
WHAT DOES MY SOUL DESIRE?
I found out that my body just wanted to be comfortable not over heated, not freezing cold, not sucking in, not hiding, not avoiding water and bloating, my body wanted to be loved for alllllll the hard work it was rewarding.
My soul wanted me to express gratitude and find peace with the fact I had already built my best physique ever and I am constant improving and what others expect is NOTHING compared to what I think. My soul wanted me to be HAPPY with my body and see it for what it TRULY was.
My eyes were opened.
I had broken yet ANOTHER barrier in my own self love and body image journey (which never stops by the way—we are always being challenged and growing)
I realized I had to be okay with the fact that I ACTUALLY FRIKKIN LOVEEEE MY BODY and that is OKAY and I am allowed to be in it how I want.
I said “to hell with it I’m burning hot” and threw my shirt on the ground. I felt FREE. (Not sure if this was because I was no longer burning into a firey flame on the stairs or because my soul and body were like “FINALLLYYY THIS GIRL DID IT DAMN BOO”)
I wear what I want.
Sometimes I go “oh hell no u won’t be able to have a solid workout in that, you’ll be distracted or you’ll be mentally preoccupied or you’ll be uncomfortable while you sprint or whatever whatever whatever”
KEY POINT: VERY DIFFERENT from “oh you’re not good enough to wear that” (loathing language)
I am SO glad to get this off my chest as I have been WAITING for the day where I could share my journey to wearing a crop top in the gym.
While this may seem superficial to some, I know that MANY women will understand this. Even guys who just want to wipe their sweat off there face w their shirt to flash their abs at the ladieezzzz (yes, we see you guys lol).
It’s not about the body, really.
The body is the bonus.
You can have he nicest body in the world or that you have personally ever had and it will mean NOTHING if you don’t actually love it.
You have to be willing to acknowledge your dedication and the self loving actions you have been taking and do what you want regardless of what you think is the ‘standard’ or whatever standard you set for yourself.
Wear the shorts.
Wear the crop top.
Wear the funny socks.
Wear the hat.
Wear the headphones.
DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT AND HONOR YOUR SOULS DESIRES BY SAYING “YES” TO THEM!
You CAN embrace your body while working towards your BEST body.
You CAN find comfort in your skin regardless of how you look.
You CAN make peace with your bloating, or whatever else you judge yourself on.
And the best thing you CAN do right NOW is tune into what your body and soul want for you, give yourself permission to want these things, ask yourself what you need to do and who you need to become in order to attain these things, address the limiting beliefs, and CHOOSE to give yourself what you want.
Like I said, it wasn’t about the body, after all I was the fittest I had ever been and it STILL WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME which means it was REALLY about the self love, the body image, the mentality, the beliefs.
If you are comfortable with something on the surface it really is just a manifestation of something much deeper, challenge yourself, go within, do the work, and live the life you LOVE because you express love to your soul and therefore you naturally express love to your body.
With lots of love,
Building more than Just a Body
|Celeste Rains-Turk; Celestial_Fit International and Building More than Just a Body||