My Life is Worth Living Fully

The bracelet on my arm was a gift from my mom.

My mom gave it to me in hopes I would wear it on stage, so I did.

It didn’t fit very well, too big, and I had to use a safety pin to tighten it but it was important to me to wear this.

Losing her was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.

Many days I can still get caught up in the dark reality that I’ll never see her again and all the memories we have are all we ever will have.

Some days & situations are harder for me than others & I’m often caught off guard by some.

Leading into this competition I broke down & cried thinking about her.

I felt emptiness, there was a void only she could fill & the weight of knowing it would never be filled left me feeling a bit hopeless.

I sometimes feel like I’m in this black hole reaching up for her hand thinking she will peek out from somewhere & pull me out.

It all hit me at once as I got closer to stepping on stage knowing I haven’t had her for this prep & wouldn’t have these moments to share with her like I used to.

It was harder than anticipated.

I was hoping to feel my mom’s energy on stage, but I didn’t which is a whole other can of worms I’ve not yet opened & processed personally yet.

I write so openly about my experiences in hopes to bring peace to others who may feel that their darkness is unique to them.

I will say, having this bracelet was a reminder for me through the day that she would be proud of me no matter what, she would want me to celebrate my journey & all I’ve overcome no matter the outcome, she would see nothing but the positives in me while also being incredibly grounding & honest which I felt was the strength I needed for this show & could borrow from her.

I realized that while she won't ever be the one to pull me out of things in the physical world, she is part of me.

And she gave me my sister & my dad.

I can’t help but think others who have crossed paths with me in this journey were also due in part to her looking over me, knowing who or what I needed & when.

I see my mom in myself, others, & the world.

I am choosing to attribute meaning which is positive, healing, & supportive for my life that is worth living fully.