You Can Dance with the Devils or You Can Face Them; A Personal Look Into my Mental Health Journey

I used to dance with devils in my head that told me life was not worth living

Leaving me in fear of myself to the point of being diagnosed not only as depressed but also anxious

I subscribed to beliefs that didn’t serve me but I NEVER let a diagnosis define me—I saw it as MORE of a reason to fight for myself

I remember when I‘d obsess over food all day, fighting the urge to eat, only to find myself in a feeding frenzy when no one was around to see, judge, or know about it

They couldn’t find out the truth, that I a “fit” person wanted to enjoy ALL food not just “approved” / “healthy” foods

I forced myself to do jumping jacks after a bite of ANY food or complete a 20-90 min workout after any meal because I had to ‘burn more than I consumed’ always—no matter what

I also lived perfectly in the week so I could enjoy my 1 prescribed binge day promoted by industry standards & influencers that I admired. I believed that was the only way

I judged myself & others for how they’d eat

I wore the masks of ‘fitness enthusiast’, ‘trainer’, ‘competitor’ to justify my “healthy” behavior when Inside I was dying for control, validation, & to just be at peace

I’d see other girls & think how can they order whatever they want, eat that when it’s not a cheat day, be okay with having something other than following a set meal plan, & not even seem fazed by food or their body?

I’d pass any reflection & stare down body parts wishing they’d suddenly morph

I’d judge my every move against what my mind had painted to be ‘the’ way

I remember all these darknesses & more overcoming me

But I CHOSE to break free

I endured the pain of conscious commitment to myself while facing my darkness daily

This was better than the pain I was living with already

I knew if I wanted to change my reality I had to change my thoughts, beliefs, & behaviors

Thank you neuroplasticity

I often find myself emotional, wishing I could just fight these battles for others

But that’d be a disservice as bad as opening up a flower thinking it’d help it to bloom

You have to decide to get help, to commit to change, to choose a new reality, & know that it’s ok to Build More than Just a Body

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