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Applying Gottman's 4 Detrimental Influences on Marriages to Your Relationship with Yourself11/29/2020  When I first learned about Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse (basically the four most negative downfalls of marriages and predictors of divorce) in my Master's Program, naturally I immediately thought about how this applies to self-love/our relationship with ourselves
Although it isn't always applicable to take a model from relationship counseling and apply it to someone's own self-affect, it certainly seemed to be a strong parallel to me I know I have been guilty of many of these negative communication patterns with myself and I personally believe our relationship with ourselves show up in our relationships with others and vise versa I have crated this reference sheet to support you not just in your relationships but more specifically in the development of your own self-love Imagine if you upheld such a strong commitment to loving yourself as though you had sworn vows in place to honor that divorce with yourself was never an option and growth was always the next best step? It is empowering to have a relationship with yourself that is built on trust, love, support, kindness, and positive energy As you consider the way you feel about yourself, whether it is your self-worth, confidence, self-esteem, or self-talk...consider where these 4 factors may be showing up consistently and preventing you from the most empowering relationship with yourself Let me know, do any of these stand out for you? Right now I am committed to focusing on preventing contempt which is something that I have found come up when I wrap up competition seasons and move into a new phase While I am still giving my all to this prep, it is important to be proactive with setting clear intentions and expectations for myself in the improvement season I plan to go into next to avoid beating myself up or making myself feel lesser than for the transitions I make in off-season that support my longevity in the sport What do you plan to focus on? Need more support with building your mindset? You may like these resources: Check out my #1 Best-Selling Book, 'Believe Your way to Badass' on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Believe-Your-Way-BADASS-Interactive/dp/1539147401/ref=sr_1_1_twi_pap_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1525616755&sr=8-1&keywords=believe+your++way+to+badass Download my free 18 ways to love yourself printable here: https://celeste-rainsturk.clickfunnels.com/18-ways-to-self-love-printable-dowload Get access to a digital card deck with affirmations, mindset mentorship, and introspective thought provoking questions here: https://celeste-rainsturk.clickfunnels.com/competitor-action-and-affirmation-free-cards or join my on-demand mindset coaching platform here: https://celeste-rainsturk.clickfunnels.com/on-demand-mindset-coaching-for-competitors
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 If you want to be resilient then subject yourself to stress every day
If you want to feel free then practice releasing control in some way every day If you want to receive then start giving every day If you want to believe in yourself then prove yourself wrong every day If you want to release comparison then compliment & cheer others on every day Many of us want to change or want something better but we are so resistant to doing the “hard” things They’re not that hard after all When you expose yourself in controlled and calculated ways each day you’ll be more prepared to face challenges that feel out of your control or impossible to overcome You don’t have to go through hardship or hit rock bottom and fight your way to the top to develop strength But staying comfortable in the status quo won’t change your reality either Shifting your perception of challenges to see them as opportunities comes when you associate the two which is something you can do through repeated exposure  Compassion beats Neutrality when it comes to cultivating body acceptance
Love can be an evolution Immersing into a relationship with yourself might be uncomfortable, scary, or even feel impossible That’s where taking a compassionate and function-based approach can be a great way to bridge the gap between how you feel now and how you would like to feel While you may find it difficult to stand in front of the mirror or walk into a room and not worry about how your body looks, you can still find compassion and recognize the way your body works for you to evoke contentedness with your soul’s home The Department of Psychology at Northwestern University led 3 studies to test how various writing exercises impacted college women’s body satisfaction They discovered that the groups which completed a body-compassionate letter as well as a letter about body-functionality, had greater body satisfaction and positive self-affect This means the group experienced an improved outlook on themselves from these exercises “I just can’t start loving my body though”. I get it, it can seem like such a foreign experience A lot of times people tell us in order to get to a place of love, we must start with neutrality While this can work for some, this study demonstrated that the group that took a neutral approach with their body in which there was no compassion-based language or cues at all in their letters did NOT have as significant of a boost in self-affect or body satisfaction (Stern and Engeln, 2018) Consider it like dating Although rushing to the alter might work for some people, it’s okay to slowly swoon yourself into a courtship, or even flirt through it I take a compassion, research, psychological, experience, & holistically driven approach with my clients when it comes to improving body image I provide workshops & practices that they can do anywhere to recognize & release body loathing as well as 1:1 guidance for your specific needs Contact me now or visit WWW.CELESTIAL.FIT more info or resources BUILD MORE THAN JUST A BODY Avoiding emotions can lead you to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, continuation of negative behaviors & thoughts, self-judgement, and repetition of the avoidance patterns This robs you of the innate power of emotions to serve as teachers so we can be better equipped to face situations moving forward Usually having someone help you work through emotions is beneficial because they can help you sort through what’s a healthy and normal response versus what might be coming from past wounds, limiting beliefs, or just difficulty with becoming objective Emotions are awesome, pure, natural and beautiful! But we unfortunately don’t always encourage others or ourselves to see them as such It’s the behavior that comes as a result of AVOIDING the emotion that usually makes us think the emotions themselves are bad and neeeeed to be avoided (things like crying, eating uncontrollably, using substances, isolation...) Our minds and bodies always want what’s best for us but if we aren’t willing to learn from or about them (and ourselves) then an opportunity for partnership is lost How can you honor, embrace, & learn from your emotions more? What emotional experiences from your past do you need to crack open and revisit to take away a more empowering lesson & belief? What do you need to believe about emotions to start feeling more comfortable with them? Let me know if you need support with this! If you’re looking for some resources I have lots available for free that I’m happy to share with you or point you in the direction of BUILD MORE THAN JUST A BODY
 Your body has automatic systems in place to keep you alive. No matter what you do, your body serves to function for you & optimize your human experience
Loving your body is a way to love yourself When you make peace with her and speak lovingly to her she can be at ease which supports her in her automatic processes Your parasympathetic nervous system is one of these autonomic systems It can be influenced by your thoughts about things happening around you, things you choose to do, and your perception Reinforcing that your thoughts, beliefs, and words all influence the way your body serves you Living in fear can promote a survival or preservation mode response—stressful The body is so complex; all of us are sooo complex But what if you could make your life just a little bit easier by providing support to the vessel that carries you? Not just through exercise or nutrition but also in coping mechanisms, thought patterns, and inner healing We cannot solely rely on or blame our body for her automatic responses like an elevated heart rate, butterflies, an urge to vomit, tight chest, or stiff muscles Changing how we talk about, look at, connect with, and nourish ourselves on every level can go along way It is not fair to expect more from your body if you’re not giving her what she needs or supporting her in finding other pathways or responses You may be a product of genetics, parenting, socioeconomics, trauma, culture...but you are also a product of your own choices, behaviors, habits, and beliefs If you want to change your outcomes and results, change the inputs Having a partnership with your body built on communication, trust, collaboration, and encouragement can go so much further than only focusing on one facet of yourself or your life BUILD MORE THAN JUST A BODY Not sure where to start? I have a free 18 ways to love yourself printable on my site, a personal development prompt card deck (built for competitors but broadly applicable), and a self-help book that serves as a guided journal  Never lean enough, never muscular enough—I’ve been there but it only led to self-sabotage & doubt
When you get off stage, you’re already seeing what needs improvement to meet a new standard A few days pass after your show & your body looks different; Maybe like a balloon was blown up in your stomach? Months of work 'vanishing' before your eyes You begin doubting yourself—sabotaging urges build as a result Every time you look in the mirror your limiting beliefs repeat that you look fat, have no more lines, & definitely don’t look like you train as hard as you do/eat as well as you do; wtf happened? Body image can become skewed after a show especially if directly correlated to actions You start to feel like you’ve ‘over done it’ already Or you become so used to your lean look that the moment a line or vein disappears you feel like you let yourself go (often followed by ‘f-it’ behavior) But you consciously know you need to get out of the deficit to make serious gains/changes to your body for next season Squeezing the small amount of fat, questioning everything you’re doing, picking yourself apart, & restricting yourself again won’t help you achieve your Long term goals So, when you stand there feeling sad/disgusted with your body you’re reinforcing the deception But how do you heal your body image? It is complex You must be compassionate & objective Remember, you’re an athlete, a BUILDER of the body, you must be able to see yourself as a canvas & carry positive emotion into the creative process You’re an artist You may see your body like abstract when you look in the mirror but the more aware you are the more apparent it is that you are healthier, stronger, more free, & functioning Evaluate your beliefs about your body When transitioning to off season focusing on new wins like growth, health, nutrition, efficiency, protection, etc can help you stand in front of the mirror, accept what you see for what it is, & still trust the process Want more support & guidance? Enroll in my free 8 day post-show blues program HERE Photos from my last peak week when being dry & exhausted is worth it Have you seen this interview on Dr. Eileen Shin’s IGTV?
I was so grateful for this opportunity to connect with such a caring and powerful woman with so many amazing questions and passion behind them! I was given the chance to share some of my story, my philosophies, visions, as well as my education! I am really glad we got to touch on so many different topics that all really compliment and support one another There are so many things which contribute to us being who we are and experiencing life and our struggles the way we do We got to scratch the surface in some realms and dig deeper in others! I do hope you love it Reposted Caption From Dr. Eileen's IGTV: “Bodybuilding and Mental Health Oooh where does one begin?? I had the privilege of chatting with Celeste Rains-Turk www.celestial.fit who is an author, bikini competitor, mindset mentor and podcast host of one of my favorite podcasts “Confessions of a Bikini Pro.” In this juicy conversation, we hit all the hard topics:
There are some pain points here but I think you will learn so much from it as I have! Everything on the table, just connecting and understanding the challenges many teenagers and women face every day.” Can’t wait to hear your thoughts  “I should ____”
Usually a habit, behavior, or identity we feel we “should” be embodying, creating, trying, or doing is driven by others, our perception of others, or literal expectations and actions given to us by others But most things that come after “should” don’t last It’s the things that come after:
You may think you “should” have a set in stone morning ritual to “be successful” but the ritual is not what you’re seeking, it could be peace of mind, consistency, confidence...all of which can be found in other ways that may be more sustainable, reasonable, and enjoyable for you to commit to What if it’s not a morning ritual from your favorite podcast or the tips from the latest personal development book you’re reading? What if the guidance you sought was first sought within you? What if before turning to an external source for answers you spent time with yourself in solitude with open receptive energy? While learning, working with, and implementing professional insight, work, research, support, etc is very valuable and worth investing in It is only really capitalized and emphasized In your being when it comes from an intentional, positive, self-driven place—not a “should” What is it that you believe you “should” be doing? What is it that you’re going to choose for yourself to satisfy what you are seeking? What is something you want to do, what will it bring you, and what’s one small way you can commit to it to have it fit seamlessly in your life & enhance potential for sustainability? I’d love to support you in your processing through this! Feel free to Contact me with any questions you have or breakthroughs you make! . BUILD MORE THAN JUST A BODY  If you don’t think you’re worthy of the result, what makes you think you’ll be able to show up & put in the work required to get there?
You may want the title, the results, the status, the opportunities But if you don’t have enough respect or passion for the process to get you there, then chances of it becoming yours are diminished And if you do get the results without connection to the commitment, work, or yourself along the way you probably won’t feel entirely fulfilled, satisfied, or even capable of sustaining it If you have as much or more desire for the work as you do the result of the work, then you are golden Because humans are not merely satisfied with having things handed to them We like to know it’s ours because we claimed it to be
You won’t magically become the best or even better than your last self until you genuinely RESPECT the version of you who demands more, commits to more, and accepts nothing less than her best That champion mentality is not suddenly embodied or present with the achievement of a title, result, or recognition It’s built with you, by you, and as a result of you saying YES to a new reality every day and HONORING yourself & the dream enough to be present, persistent, and never accept going through the motions as enough Want some guidance in taking your mindset to the next level? Go to Amazon, type in “Believe your way to Badass”, add to your cart, check out, and get to it ;)  Take pride in your results by sustaining, honoring, & capitalizing on them
I know self-sabotage, self-doubt, self-loathing, & self-consciousness all too well In the past, I would justify limiting beliefs, habits, and behaviors because it was easier than facing them head on...If I only knew then what I know now Our identity & self-concept is complex and made up of many variables and influences From our upbringing, environment, peers, societal norms, culture, experiences, genes, nutrition, perceptions...so much goes into who we see ourselves as, how we form a definition around these identities we take on, & what we choose to do with them By recognizing that you’re identity is malleable, you can empower yourself to change it & act from a new version of you While some believe you are doomed to your destiny & must learn to cope, others support the theory that you can transform your reality when you transform your identity If you’d like me to send you direct resources on this feel free to DM me I’m more than happy to But when I saw myself as a depressed, anxious, never enough, fat, unworthy woman—I created a reality to support this Naturally our brains & body like homeostasis & fine tune our attention & actions based on those running “norms” & expectations But when I started accepting myself fully as the other identities I saw in myself like a confident leader who loves herself, has peace in her skin, accepts their is room for growth, & knows she is worthy, capable, & deserving—I took more empowering & self loving actions In the past, after a competition I would sabotage my results & hard work with binges, private food sneaking, & self-criticism that spiraled into “Ive already messed up anyway or I’m so fluffy now” that I literally created a spiral of messing up & getting “fluffier” in unhealthy ways (just to be clear!) As time progressed & I chose to face my demons I was able to work through my disordered eating behavior, exercise abuse, self-deprecating behaviors, & body image struggles This freed me up to be more of the woman I knew I truly was with love in my heart, exploding passion to make an impact, & the ability to sustain the results I created because I finally knew I DESERVE them!! I know it is possible to BUILD MORE THAN JUST A BODY Will you give yourself the chance to create a new reality? |
Celeste Rains-Turk
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