​You deserve to be loved, cherished, & valued as a priority with respect for your needs & commitments fulfilled

You deserve for someone to see you for who you are, honor who you’ve been, & uplift who you’re becoming

I’ve struggled with expressing my needs, desires, & beliefs about what it means to be loved “in return”

As I dive deeper into the word, I keep learning about what it means to love others without expectations 

God calls us to love in the way he has loved & reminds us getting even or having anger or holding resentment are not meant for us to carry out as He makes all things right

This means God also is telling us that we deserve to be loved in the same way…

When he speaks about love & stories are told about relationships it is very clear that women are highly valued no matter our past as Jesus demonstrated his love for women that others detested & he restored them

We are taught:

We can be loved at our darkest (Roman’s 5:8)

We are loved not for our fancy worldly things but for our beautiful spirit which never fades (1 Peter 3:3-4)

Sometimes though, loving others in this way makes it difficult when we are not receiving it back or have been deceived or betrayed

It begs the question of what more can I do to receive love too?

But God also calls us to guard our heart because this is where everything we do flows from (proverbs 4:23)

I learned that without expression or boundaries or communication there can be resentment or feelings of emptiness & that can lead to negative behaviors

I believe the best earthly love is love reciprocated

The kind where both parties naturally give & receive love like a figure 8 that keeps going and going ♾️

We can’t rely on others to give us the love we give the same way because we are all different & even under different circumstances

But you can protect your heart & recognize that you are worthy of what you desire & it’s okay to stand up for your needs, leave unhealthy relationships or situationships, change dynamics of friendships or familyships, & walk away

Leaving beloved relationships was among the hardest & most freeing things I’ve done as it is allowing me to see what it means to have a biblical love🙏🏻❤️

​Losing my mom meant losing a part of me. I miss this part of me often

I can’t exactly pinpoint it but I know without her, something is missing in me

I’ve come to realize that every person in our life brings out or creates or partners up with a part of us that would otherwise not be present without them

I no longer believe life is meant to be lived independently or that we are all who we are just because of our own will

We are connected to all we encounter and if we are lucky enough to form bonds with people we need to also consider what would be made of us without this person

This became a reality for me when I lost my mom

The tragedy forced me to see that the role people play in my life is meaningful which also must mean the role I play in others life means something too

When a part of you dies with someone, you might seek it elsewhere, but you’ll never find it because that connection was unique

I’ll always long for the bond I had with my mom but I also find beauty in knowing it was so uniquely special to us that it is truly irreplaceable

I hope this inspires you to take inventory on your relationships and identify the incredible value every person brings to your life or brings out in you

We are not just who we are to ourselves but we are also who others experience us as and how we experience others

I would never wish this tragedy on anyone but I hope in sharing my personal reflections it may inspire some introspection for you from a heart wrenching learned lesson through me

​Everytime I almost gave up on God, he did not give up on me.
He has been there through every dark time in my life and has shown me grace.
God sent Jesus to be an example among us, bringing him to walk and talk and live among us to fulfill the word.
I could never conceptualize the messages I heard in church about Jesus dying for our sins & really grasp how divine this act was.
He did not just die for us, he suffered endlessly so that we all may live
I recently started attending church again. After my mom died, i resisted going to church because I associated it with her.
She was a lover of God and passionately worshipped as a leader in the church i grew up going to in support of her.
I had many times in my life growing up where i questioned God and if all this was “real” I wanted so badly to defy it because of how much my mom believed it. It was like i was actively seeking reasons it could not be true.
This past October my spiritual awakening continued. I knew i felt an emptiness when I’d say “the universe” as though i was afraid to admit that God is real. But after my mom’s death in 2021, despite how badly i wanted to hate God, He showed up and gave me profound love.
He knew the pain i was in and the suffering i was facing and He showed himself again. I had an epiphany that maybe it was not that God had failed my mom or my family but actually saved her many times. I may share the full story of this revelation one day….
When i moved to Arizona I couldn’t stop listening to Christian music and it was so grounding for me.
I made many changes in my life, lots of healing was happening THROUGH me because of HIM.
I began to read his word again, try to grasp the concept of loving and accepting Jesus.
I had this breakthrough that my whole life i was comparing my faith to the faith i saw in others who seemed to have such a strong relationship with God.
And then it hit me one day while reflecting with a friend on her living room couch…it’s not about religion it’s about RELATIONSHIP and it dawned on me that my relationship with God is special and unique and sacred.
He knows my heart.
He created me inside of my mothers womb and blessed me with an incredible life. He gave me a purpose. He was always there EVEN WHEN I DIDNT WANT TO SEE HIM.
I got tired of looking away and I woke up.
I went on a hike in Sedona and i put my head on this rock and i prayed, “God show me what i need to see” and I smelled my mom for the first time in months.
When she died I’d always smell her but then it stopped and that day in that moment He revealed her peace and safety with Him.
He knew i needed to trust that he had her. I am emotional as i write all this out because my testimony did not happen in a single moment. But in many moments He was there. And in reflecting, i could see that.
I faced so much darkness and challenge in my life that some is inexplicable to have overcome or faced or moved through. At my darkest, prior to my mom’s passing, I wanted to kill myself and in a moment i felt this power i could not explain that stopped me and i felt this deep knowing that I’m meant for more HE IS NOT DONE WITH ME (HE IS NOT DONE WITH YOU).
I didn’t want to give him glory for that yet, but a part of me knew he deserved it. The light inside me may have been dim but it was still shining and needed some more oxygen as I kept trying to suffocate it out of fear, doubt, judgment…
I then went to this adult church group with my mom and it was a place i consistently challenged and questioned the word but one day it was my “turn” to be prayed over and i felt the SAME power which cannot be explained and it moved me
But i went about my life constantly comparing my faith to others and thinking God has not loved me how he loves others or has not moved in me like he has others because I don’t lift my hands in Church or sing passionately outside of my car or know verses and have friends in Christ
But i was so wrong.
When i realized he had always been there, i freed myself from doubt. I now know and feel him always.
I am growing and have been growing in my faith with him and he has given me many blessings.
Going back to church, and recently finding one I really enjoyed, the pastor painted the picture of Jesus’ death…absolutely gruesome and yet he had Grace and he showed up for his purpose, God’s purpose.
He fulfilled the scriptures for us.
Everyday is a blessing even when it is hard to keep going or faith waivers, I have more peace knowing that although I cannot fathom the sight at the cross or returning to the grave to be in awe that he was resurrected, I can be a witness through my faith that Jesus, who lived perfectly as an example and had no reason to be killed, died for us.

We’re all huggers if you couldn’t tell🥹
This community >

Bodybuilding truly has become so much more about these moments, contribution, and connection than anything else for me

It’s another family that’s brought me some of the best friends ever🥹

If everything stopped tomorrow, I’d be so grateful for every drop of love I got to give and receive through this journey

Of course, we really are only just getting started so no plans to slow down anytime soon…

By the way, Who wants to see the epic video from the podcast party? I can’t believe I still haven’t posted it!🔥👀

This audio is my mom singing one of her favorite songs of all time, Amazing Grace, acapella. She had such a beautiful voice & loved singing

She sang her entire life, even professionally

In 2015 she died on the table in the hospital & truly by the grace of God was saved to be with us for another 6 years. Her time in the hospital was tumultuous in 2015 for many reasons

One of the hardest things was watching her have to rest from singing after having had tubes down her throat for weeks on end

She had this audio on her phone recorded as she gained her confidence & stamina in singing back. She never stopped trying. I saw the toll it took on her bc to my mom, EVERYTHING was a song!

2 years ago today I collapsed to the floor as I heard of the traumatic sudden loss of my mom

There is no adjective that could ever describe the pain. There are no words that I think could ever share the story of my mother in a way that truly honors all that she was. This has been a rough go around for me this year without her

Some days lately have been absolutely brutal for me emotionally as I yearn for my mothers physical presence. I know people say she is with me always and I can talk to her but it doesn’t make up for what I’ve lost and what my family has endured

Not having my mom in my life anymore is something I have to wake up and face every day

Sometimes it’s a nagging pain other times a quick sharp pain and most days a dull pain I’ve come to live with. The hardest part is knowing she won’t be there for anything anymore I know it’s my love living on

I loved her wisdom, our laughs together, & our daily (most days multiple times) phone calls and texts. I’m grateful to somehow still remember how her skin felt and the knuckles of her fingers and how they progressed over her wedding ring and her hands

I had countless nights with her at the side of my bed holding my hand or playing with my feet or just falling asleep next to me

I cherish those memories

Although making sense of her death and sharing it one day may never be the reality, I know I can honor her life and how she lived by doing right by her

She empowered me in every way imaginable

I know she’s singing in heaven💜