What will you remember about 2018 in 10 years from now?

Personally,
So many amazing things happened (and not so amazing things) but I’m going to focus on all the incredibleness right now!

I did a lot of reflecting and found out that i actually have way more to be happy and proud of myself for than I thought!😍

Here are some of the best moments, not in order:

✨Launched my podcast, Confessions of a Bikini Pro

✨Quit my day job to be full time in my biz

✨Competed in 4 bikini competitions (2 in feb, July, September) all with top 5 finishes & qualified for nationals (but I’m nowhere near ready for it yet—lots of growing & healing to do)

✨Spent a day with my friend in the mountains and forest

✨Bought my first car! A brand new 2018 Dodge Challenger!

✨Found my niche finally and lost my program for bikini competitors struggling with the post show blues

✨Working closer with Ingrid DiScuillo Romero for Team EDGE And Edge Supps plus getting to rock Ingrid Romero Bikinis On stage and do amazing charity work

✨Worked at the Olympia with Hydration Junkie

✨Had my first $5k+ income month

✨Committed to a new daily ritual and got back on track after feeling meh and mentally lost in beginning of year

✨Started new wellness and self love habits

✨Hired a trainer for mobility & functional work (yes, even trainers can benefit from trainers!)

✨Worked with some amazing people both as clients and through networks or events and was featured on amazing podcasts and platforms

✨Grew closer to so many of my amazing friends

✨AND SERIOUSLY SO MUCH MORE😭😍

Some other things I journaled on were:
💡Biggest lessons learned
💡Things I’m letting go of for next year
💡Overall theme of the year (definitely was bold just as I intended it to be)
💡5 words to sum it up (bold, fun, exploratory, intense, change)

I am just so frikkin happy and grateful for this life. Cheers to another happy new year for everyone.

Thank you so much for being a part of this journey with me or coming along for the ride now, so meaningful to me❤️

😍Now Step into the higher version of you and act from that every day and see how your actions, thoughts, and behaviors change!👊🏼

Can’t even express how much happier, positive, driven, & amped up I’ve been lately!!!

All since trusting my gut and honoring myself by reclaiming the process of improving my own hormonal health.

I really can’t imagine how I would have felt if I took the birth control pill for more than the month that I was on it...

I’m dancing around again, coming up with new ideas every day, and feel like I’m in constant flow again.

I’m back to wanting to wake up extra early to get tomorrow started & avoiding going to sleep as though it will stop the day from ending.

I am totally feeling like myself again.

While my mental health is still a conscious choice every day;

It’s no longer some heavy ass struggle that no matter what I did I couldn’t mend it because of some synthetic pill.

It’s now just a darkness that sometimes shows up to remind me how frikkin bright I am otherwise.

I am truly feeling ALIVE.

I’m not sure if many women ever experience such negative side effects in such a short time period but as mentioned in previous posts it can be scary!

I’m also gettin post pill acne like nutsos but it’s ok bc I am ok now!!!

I’ll take acne over inexplicable degrading mental health / thought patterns that haven’t been present since transforming my mindset & committing to personal development work a few years ago...

If you’re consuming toxicity whether that’s through food, a pill, social media, news, music, or the people & conversations around you...

This is my lil love nudge to you that;

IT IS OKAY TO CUT THAT SHIT OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND DO WHAT YOU KNOW IN YOUR DEEPEST DEPTHS OF YOUR BODY AND SOUL IS RIGHT FOR YOU!

*regardless of what people who do not live in your vessel say about it*
🌟go shine🌟

Why I stopped taking birth control. My Hormone and Period Update...


Sooo If you’ve been following my journey for a bit you would know I’ve been without a natural period for two years.


I went on progesterone a year ago on a 10 day prescribed cycle & it gave it back to me until I started prepping again & poof it was gone.


Then I dedicated all of 2017-2018 to prepping. I took only approx 21 weeks ‘off season’ total. The numbers are on another post to be exact.


Anyways, cut to a few months ago I got blood tests and found out I was in menopausal levels of estrogen


Long story short since I’ve already explained this on videos and posts (I am happy to send you the other posts if you dm me)


Under the pressure of docs and my deep desire to compete again sooner rather than later I went on Tri lo Sprintec after some natural remedies didn’t get me what I needed


I hated that I was going to take a pill but it seemed like the best and only option for me, I was so scared


I went through a full cycle experiencing side effects within the first 3 days.


I had horrible headaches, began to get bad bacne, and I felt totally out of my usual creative self


After about 1.5 weeks I began feeling my already existing depression and anxiety get even worse


By the 3 week mark (the last cycle of hormones before the sugar pills and the time when you get your first SYNTHETIC period)


I was experiencing suicidal ideations beyond what I have had since high school.


I hadn’t felt so much like killing myself since then.


I open up to share this because everyone’s experience is different and mine began taking my mental health.


One morning I went to the park in hopes that doing my journaling and having breakfast there after implementing fasted cardio every morning for mental purposes would help me


There I found myself literally being consumed by thoughts of hurting myself badly. I don’t know if I even should share the gory details here.


My anxiety is comorbid with my depression.


Essentially when I get depressed I get SUPER anxious because I don’t have any trust in my brain and think I’ll kill myself without truly wanting to.


Like some demon is in my head controlling me like a puppet


I’m at a point where I have learned to address and move through many of these thoughts so I knew something was off


I knew the hormones were causing this but I thought I was strong enough to work through it!


That morning I realized I AM STRONG ENOUGH but I don’t deserve to deal with that every day of my life


My life is meant to be lived at my highest capacity of soul and self. This pill was taking that from me.


I wouldn’t give up a piece of my mental health for a portion of physical health that I know I can get through another way


I’m at a bit of a loss in complete honesty. Getting my body to love my lifestyle and mindset as much as me has been tough


I love rigorous exercise or constant movement. I work non stop whether its business or schoolwork I don’t stop.


I put my body through a lot of chosen stress and while I thrive off of it as a person my body is in need of TLC
Sooo, back to square one. One step at a time.


Supplementing properly, eating whole and nutritiously (per usual but even more so), and realigning my true goals.


I am not unhappy with my body. I love her for being such a powerful communicator to me.


But man, I’d be lying if I said this has been easy.


Right now I’m reading through the period repair manual and doing extra research based on my blood tests.


I’m confident in my ability to get through this and I’m not going to stress about it because that’s the LAST thing I need (likely the cause of all this)


Thank you to my closest friends for being here for me.


You guys know who you are and whether you know it or not, the snapchats, hangouts, workouts, or pre made plans helped keep me going


I am grateful to have a business with incredible clients and a big vision to wake up for.


I am grateful to have people like all of you who care and I can share with and inspire


I am grateful to have these struggles as I embrace new journeys I am meant to go through in life.


And if you’ve read this far, you the real MVP


These will be the times I’ll look back on to speak about, write about, or support others with.


THESE ARE PARTS OF MY STORY THAT WILL ADD MORE DEPTH TO MY MISSIONS. (whether I like it or not)


I will continue to expand on my story as it comes and progresses! I am hopeful :)

 From a young age I remember thinking that having a flat tummy with lines and a tiny waist would make me happier. 

I felt that my body was never good enough.

I was always the kid who was more developed than everyone else, I just looked so much larger and I was round shaped. I was a total tomboy because it was comfy, I was an athlete, and I never fit into Abercrombie, Hollister, or limited too jeans like the other girls in school. 

I prided myself on being an athlete, the ‘sporty’ chick. I tried to make up for my ‘not enough’ body with actin like a clown, practicing my sport for hours, or getting exceptionally good grades.

I judged myself on what I ate all the time.

When I was a young girl in elementary school, I remember some of my friends who were smaller and more healthy-looking eating carrots when I had my gogurt. This was when I began associating food with looks and being 'bad' or 'good'

I went over to someone’s house one time with my best friend and they told me I couldn’t jump on the trampoline with them because I was 'too fat and would break it'. I think I lost friends because of my size too. I was called ‘big foot’ in soccer.

I recall my last year of soccer, I wanted to get thinner, so I made a promise to myself to run the whole entire 5 minute ‘movement’ warm up, rather than doing what others did like walk and laugh and have fun, I just ran and ran and ran. And I was so afraid of failing the mile test going into middle school that I spent a whole summer running just to practice for it. 

I would be poked by adults in the stomach warning me that I may be on the biggest loser someday. I would be asked what I am eating every time I sat down for a meal and would notice people look me up and down. 

I went on my first diet at 9 or 10 years old. It was the same diet my dad did when he was little and husky like me, it was the bananas and milk diet.  I remember learning about calories and being outraged that I couldn’t enjoy most of the foods I loved, and it explained why the Oreo cakesters and chunky soups every day were not helping me none.

I recall seeing these women around town, on the covers of magazines, running amazing companies, modeling, getting the guys in the movies, playing sports, or rocking it in a band and I connected this to having a tight tummy.  I thought that fat was scary, bad, and should not exist on the body in copious amounts.

Oh, and I can clearly remember when grocery stores, media, and companies began popping up with sugar free this or fat free that. I began thinking this meant ‘healthier’ or ‘better’, but it wasn’t until I became more aware, educated, and opened my eyes to see that this is all about staying a certain size or shape, not about health.

When I got into high school, I discovered fitness. 

I was suicidal most of my freshman and sophomore year.

Exercise became my outlet.  I was playing volleyball year-round every day, if there wasn’t volleyball practice or a tournament, I would either be training for it or practicing.  I started going to the gym at 5am before school every day and then fell asleep in math class before I went to volleyball practice or a game, and then to coach club vball and have a practice too. 

I was obsessed with movement. But I also was hyperfocused and concerned about what I was eating. I stuck 110% to a plan unless it was a cheat meal or cheat day of course in which case I would just binge because I thought that's what all the best people in the industry were doing so I would too to get a nice body and be happy like them! That's when my unhealthy relationship with food began. I would even make sure to exercise after EVERY thing I ate because I thought this was a sure fire way to make sure I burned more than I consumed (probably why I became very thin with little muscle development).

I packed canned chicken and Ezekiel bread with me to school, I had canned green beans, ground turkey, and other smell ass food, I walked around with a gallon of water, ate lunch in my car most days because I felt so disconnected from everyone and everything around me. 

I always wanted to be true to myself and would not sacrifice that for anything.  I was never into what most people were soooo I never went to parties, I detested the thought of school dances, and every homecoming, winter formal, and even prom, I went to the gym instead. I met some seriously amazing people in the gym. I found such an awesome community there and made friends who I still see there to this day. 

I started my Instagram account to document what I was doing, be accountable, and in all honesty to have a separate place to follow all the fitness accounts outside of my personal feed. 

It wasn’t until my junior year, when I realized, despite all the physical work I am doing, I am still depressed, my anxiety eats me up, and one day I am the ambitious leader who kicks ass and the next I am the slug who cant stop crying in bed and wishing she was never born, why??? 

It was in that moment, I realized that something was missing...

But, I still didn't have it all figured out...I even did a bikini competition in 2015 to see how far I could take myself, how much I could push myself, how 'good' I could look, I thought it was my fast track to fitness success! It was my excuse for having an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise. It was easier to say 'I am prepping for a bodybuilding show' than to say, I am extremely afraid of gaining fat, eating certain foods, or looking big, or being the least fit athlete in the room.

I didn't get called out at that show after working months for it. But it was my first show, I had come so far. And then, I rebounded, I gained 30 pounds in 3 weeks, I didn't know what to do. Everything hit me because I was only using things to cover up the pain and the problems of my life rather than addressing them...

​After that I became aware of the fact that fitness is about BUILDING MORE THAN JUST A BODY

From then on I dedicated my time to learning how to love myself, breaking through many of the strict food rules I created and was taught that were causing me to binge or feel guilty, I began to recognize ways I can make myself feel healthier and stronger rather than just chasing an aesthetic, I found ways to work on my mindset and I eventually even went to therapy for my mental health. 

In the last 3 years I have been immersed in the personal development world. I switched my major from clinical nutrition and dietetics to Psychology because I didn’t want to write diet plans for people with diseases, or anyone at all. I wanted to approach health holistically and focus on the real problems. 

The problem is never food, yet we keep trying to manipulate it. The problem is never exercise, yet we keep trying to force it. The problem usually lies in the identity, mindset, self-efficacy, and loathing patterns an individual has but are most often overlooked. 

It became my mission 4 years ago to help others love themselves and feel confident in their body through fitness.

3 years ago, it became about aligning inner work with physical results to help people build more than just a body. 

Today, I am still committed to this.

I spent all of last year competing in bikini after healing my relationship with food, my body, and even my goals and stages of shape change because I wanted to give bodybuilding another crack when I really truly loved myself, not when I didn't love myself and needed it to numb myself. 

I competed the whole year because I was truly THRIVING on it. I seriously never thought I would fall in love with it but I did. I fell in love with it because it was ADDING to my life, it was ACCENTUATING my favorite things about myself and my personality, and it was GIVING me something to be even more excited about.

Here's the thing, now, when I have a flat stomach it is not what makes me happy, it is a result of my happiness.  How does this work? I love myself so much that naturally I am inspired to enjoy nutritious foods, talk to great people, and eliminate anything that causes me stress.  I love myself so much that I enjoy foods to their enjoyment, not to the point of discomfort or out of scarcity. I love myself so much that I am able to live more presently, moment to moment because I am committed to the conscious choice of doing so (in all honesty, it isn't always easy and I slip up a lot but I have the tools and practices in place to overcome it and snap out of it and into my higher self) and a higher vibration)

In my entire journey, I have found a system that works not only for finding peace of mind, comfort in one’s body, and in getting to a healthier feeling and amazing aesthetic shape, but also for making peace with food, embracing goals with love, and shifting identities so that everything we pursue is attained much more effortlessly because it is fueled with love above all other things.

Our story, our patterns, our experiences help to shape us, but we can rewrite our story, make a new pattern, and create new experiences by learning from our past and being present, in this moment right now.

We can become mindful, through every moment, breath by breath, to always always anchor into self-love, connect with our core soul codes/beliefs, and design our life through the accomplishment of our goals. 

We only become limited, small, or unworthy when we choose to define ourselves this way. 

Our base level is always free, expansive, loving, open, and changeable.

I have never felt more loved by myself in my entire life than when I let go of the box others wanted me to be in or defined me by or that I thought I should try to fit into and embraced my true needs, began living more intuitively, and asked myself;
What do I want?
Why do I want it?
and
What I am willing to do to get there?

You deserve to feel empowered in your own skin!
You deserve to feel loved by yourself unconditionally!
You deserve to live your life by your soul’s deepest values!
And...
You are so much more than just a body, you are beyond capable of building more than just a body. 

Are you ready to?

If so, I would love to see how we can work together to make this happen, if you read this and got inspired to work with me or see what we can do together... I would like to offer you a breakthrough strategy coaching call where I will dive deep with you, see what needs to be shifted within you, and of course create a breakthrough.

Then we will discuss if it is a good fit for us to work together moving forward and go from there.  In order to get this call you must fill this form out and apply as I do not work with just anyone, chances are though, if you have made it this far, we are likely a great fit : APPLY HERE

My business is my heart and soul.


I’ve been warned that this is a bad way to look at business...


That it will ‘destroy me’ to connect myself so deeply to my business outcomes, impact, and other success.


But personally, I don’t think I would have accomplished the things I have or become the person I am without being fully invested in this


It’s one thing to have a business.
It’s another thing to have a business you love and will give everything too.


I always knew I was meant to work in my passions and live my life doing what I love.


And here I am, proving myself right.


Regardless of others beliefs or concerns, I just can’t deny that my mission to eradicate self-loathe by helping others to build more than just a body is my kick in the ass every morning to get up and do it.


This mission gives me purpose. It gives me hope. It gives me fulfillment. And it gives me life.


I know that without this, I would struggle more with the challenges I’ve faced like depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation.


This isn’t just ‘business’ or some ‘side hustle’ or a ‘hope it works’ type of thing. It is my life, my heart, and my soul.


And if you think that will make it destroy me, then I’d like to respectfully disagree...


This has saved me; over and over and over again.


And on that note...


Feeling totally on fire today. Getting shit done and loving every moment of it.


I am working on so many exciting projects & ready for this ride!


🤩🤩💝💝


What is exciting you today?👇🏻

2015 to 2018

First competition ever to Most recent competition

I always feel nostalgic after the Musclecontest iron games show, every year because it was the first bikini competition I ever competed in.

It will always hold a special place in my heart and I hope to compete in it again someday

Competing goes way beyond the stage and I’m grateful to have coaches who are always here for me through it; mentally and physically

The girl in the first picture dreamed to wear a beautiful suit one day like the other competitors...

Now I am grateful and honored to always be rockin Ingrid Romero Bikinis

The girl in the first picture hoped to one day have a deeper connection to the sport...

Now I run a podcast interviewing professional athletes in the sport, I work with companies like Edge Supps

The girl in the first picture felt disconnected from other competitors and alone on show day...

Now I have my amazing teammates and love meeting the women backstage and on Instagram

The girl in the first picture didn’t compete out of love and had a horrible post show rebound

Now I coach bikini competitors experiencing post show blues in their personal development journey.

The girl in the first picture never thought she would compete again

Now I can’t get enough of the stage, the sport, and all the fun, rewarding, and challenging growth that comes with it
Hope this story inspires you in some way on your own journey 💜💜

I am grateful for my Team Edge coaches Joe DiScuillo and Ingrid DiScuillo Romero for guiding me through the past almost 2 years now for my whole 2017-2018 season.
​
I am Currently focused on building for new memories and goals of 2019. ☺️🙌🏻

UPDATE😍😭 I found out today that the health issues I discussed in my last video have some incredible upsides.
1. My future fertility is not at jeopardy.
2. The main concern is bone mass / density.
At this age I’m creating the foundation for my older adult years and my body is at risk for future osteoporosis and other bone complications with the estrogen levels I am at.
3. The birth control pill I’ve been prescribed is the lowest of the low for synthetic estrogen because I told them how much I didn’t want to take it or anything for that. However, my options are pretty limited with all things considered.
So, I’ve made my decision on how I’ll be moving forward. I intend to always be open and real with you guys.
Please respect that and keep your negativity away as that’s the last thing I or my body needs.
I’m going to take what I’ve been prescribed while also being on top of the natural practices I’ve been utilizing.
Pills are synthetic so when I stop taking this, I will be in the same position I am in today.
I’m very much in love with living a healthy lifestyle and hope to do so in my late years of my life.
I don’t want to be held back by bone problems that I could have prevented.
Modern medicine is incredible and while there can be terrible side effects I can also take a lot of responsibility in the process.
I don’t have to explain myself or my decision or the emotions behind it and this is a time I don’t feel like doing so.
It’s been hard enough as it is. I’ve been emotionally drained and then throw everything else in the mix that has happened this weekend in my home town.
I have come to find the ones who know and love you will feel you and those who don’t will either ask or make assumptions.
I felt it was important to update all of you after my video and hope you can respect that 🙂
My goal is to be implementing the natural remedies and strategies I’m reading up on and learning while taking the Rx in an effort to maximize my potential when I come off of it.
The main reason for this Rx is hormone therapy. I don’t have near enough estrogen to protect my bones due to physical and likely life stress as well that tells my body, ‘hey, now's not a good time to reproduce, let’s shut this down. No estrogen for now thanks!’
(not muscle mass as was previously told I believe in miscommunication by the party not doing their diligence or trying to over simplify things)
but low body fat, high physical activity, nutrition, and life stress like school, business, this etc DOES play a role and is the main contributor.
Even as I am and have been making an effort to reverse this myself, as soon as these things pick up again, I would be back to square one and bones will be not so happy.
I am passionate about competing, living a healthy lifestyle, and improving myself.
I recognize that I could give up competing, heal this, and never take a pill but it would still take up a ton of time to rebalance out and I have to get ahead of this now so I don’t suffer later.
The lesser of two evils I suppose. Plus play and passion is my life enjoyment. What is life without it?
I don’t feel the need to explain myself beyond this and will leave it here.
Thanks everyone for all the love and support.
I’m releasing the need to meet everyone’s standards or make everyone happy and I am trying to just do what i feel Is best for me.
Let’s support each other on our unique journeys.
Thanks again for all the reach outs with messages, comments and a whole lot of energetic love.
❤️❤️❤️

BE IN LOVE WITH THE DARKNESS THE WAY YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH THE LIGHT

Thank you so much to everyone who reached out to me yesterday after sharing my health updates

I feel so incredibly blessed to have all the friends that I do and the connections I’ve made in person and online

I strive to be as real as possible always because I know how much transparency and vulnerability means to me

I also feel that sharing my journey is healing for myself and others. I am actually in a pretty happy space and have a hear full of hope

I’ve always been interested in natural healing modalities and as many of you know I’ve been doing a good amount in an effort to get my menstrual cycle back

I have some internal battles I must be willing to fight of course. But most importantly identities I must shed

It doesn’t mean they will be gone forever but it does mean I must loosen the reigns

I must begin shifting my identity statements and anchors as well

I am someone who has regular periods and healthy hormonal balances instead of I am someone who is in menopause, hasn’t had a period in 2 years&feels like shit bc the things i love/want most seem to be running away from me)

So much of myself is rooted in the identity of a competitor, or a person who takes everything on at once
It’s time to allow space for more shifts to occur.

I have to be more comfortable with my body seeking peace & know that it’ll find its way back to where I feel/function best eventually

And all I can do is control what I can. I am actually way more motivated now to treat and fuel my body with love

Because of the health implications it can have more so than the shape being the main motivator

I’d love to say I have it all figured out but I’m learning

And in all honesty, I love that I’ve been given this opportunity to learn, grow, and share

Whatever you’re going through, never forget your dreams are ACHIEVABLE and POSSIBLE!

While you may not be able to control the HOW you can always control the why, the effort, and the care along the way
Letting go of control so the rest can fall into place is the best thing you can do for yourself!

Create the space for healing and success
​
Letting the universe take care of the rest
💜🙌🏻😊