3 years without my mom today…

Honestly, it’s just painful. There will never be another hug, laugh, experience shared, moment, photo, video, memory. No more. Just like that.

Her death really traumatized me. As much as I’d like to say otherwise, it wasn’t one of those you see coming or can prepare for. She was just gone.

The years that pass lead to new pain. What many people don’t talk about when it comes to grief of a parent at a young age is the grief of knowing you won’t have them around to witness your life or be a part of it or there to hold the grand baby you long for or help you through a heart break or to recall a recipe.

Since my mom has passed I’ve had so much success, but I can’t share it with her. I’ve also had so much turmoil... It’s been messy at times. I often wonder if it would be different if she was still here & how her death impacts my life. Not in a selfish way but moreso in the way of that she was my mother, she birthed me, she gave me life & unconditional love.

Losing one of the people in my life who truly loved me unconditionally is not easy. Another thing people don’t talk about is witnessing your other parent go through the loss & then navigate finding a new partner for their life. My parents were still together. I only knew my “mom & dad” not “dad” not “mom” “mom & dad”….

So this has been especially hard for me. I grieve the life I thought we would all have together. I sometimes just feel robbed because now I have to experience these challenges & changes that came with her death. One more thing

I’ll share that I don’t feel is shared openly enough about losing a loved one is navigating the way your grief looks compared to others. When you feel like your hurt & pain has to be hidden to support or protect someone else’s, or to take care of legalities, or to be business as usual. But then you cry yourself to sleep at night & wake up to your own tears streaming down onto an already wet pillow.

The frequency of this dissipates but then it hits hard at random & you lose it. Not a day goes by I don’t think about the wonderful amazing woman my mom was & missed she is. I write openly in hopes that others might feel less alone, or so I do