My life lost all color.

Everything around me was dull and nothing that meant anything to me mattered the same way. People stopped telling me what they always told me & tell me now…that my smile is contagious or I’m sunshine when i walk in a room or I’m always so positive and upbeat or brightening up their day.

I missed these compliments and felt maybe this part of me died with my mom. Maybe I’d never be that girl again. Im glad I was wrong. I don’t know exactly what started to bring vibrancy back into my life but as it returned I felt more like myself again.

I was different. I functioned with a familiar darkness that seemed to have made me more fragile but also more empathetic, reflective, understanding… I don’t believe it was “time” or “space” that brought the light back even though people are quick to say that everything gets better with those two things.

I actually think it was learning to live with and accept what changed in my life and find a path forward with this new normal rather than being stuck wishing for the old life or old me. How unfair to expect I’d ever be the same after such a traumatic life change and experience. When I gave myself grace and compassion and allowed myself to feel I found that more of my light was coming through too.

It felt a lot like clouds passing over the sun, sometimes I was allowed and able to illuminate everything around me & other times it was like something was in my way. I realized that none of this meant my light was gone forever though, it more so meant that sometimes I would have days where I could shine really bright & days I felt more dim or only kept the light to myself.

​It’s difficult to really capture in words how it feels to be more myself again because with my grief experience one day I can feel like I turned a new leaf & the next day or week or month I might feel like the littlest leaf that falls on me weighs as much as the entire world & no matter how hard I try to push through it, I have to acknowledge that it is necessary & ok to sit with it all before trying to push. I celebrate the light in my life, my soul…& express the gratitude I feel to see colors again